I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
