life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
