I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
soo... how was my night?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
