why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
