I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
