he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
