Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
