i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
