Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
