Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
