I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
