it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
