i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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