did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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