She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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