The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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