he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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