I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
