He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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