im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
