Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
They should really pass out barf bags in church
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We're too hungover to prance.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
