I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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