Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Randomize
