Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
