i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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