Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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