I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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