If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
How's work?
Spinning.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
