Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
