i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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