If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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