you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Sober January is a disaster.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
