toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
