you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
