I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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