My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
