this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
