Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
