Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
