I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
