I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
