Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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