Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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