I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
