I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
