Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
