i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
