this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
