my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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