We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm just crazy horny about you
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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